bleak

its late and i can not sleep. i have been very busy with work. i have been immersing myself in piles and piles of paperwork,things i could pass on to someone else,but i need the distraction. i need something to occupy me otherwise i will begin to feel sorry for myself and lament over how pathetic i am.but that has never been my style.but as it has become apparent, i find myself acting outside of my character a lot these days. have i spoken to her?No i have not. i swallowed my pride,i called her.not once,not twice,many times......borderline creepy.
her cell phone,her house,her work number
.nothing.
all i get are voice mail boxes and stupid assistants telling me to fuck off. i have never been dumped/brushed off in my life so coldly.
fuck.
i am angry,i am hurt and i am kicking myself in the ass. one part of me is telling me to get a grip and move on and stop being a baby,after all we have not been seeing each other very long.there is also another part of me that cant forget so easily.and that part of me wants this thing to at least end in a different manner. the absurdity of the whole situation is just not sitting well with me. i am determined to at least talk to her properly and attempt to sort things out or say good-bye in a more civilized manner.
it is really hard,i miss her,but i find myself wanting to call her and tell her when something odd or funny happens,it hurts even more that i can not tell anyone how hurt i am feeling.i have to just bottle it up inside or share it on this blog. what a sad existence...hiding my 'shame', and suffering in silence...
i cant get over how cruel she was. that was a side of her i never noticed,she doesn't have a mean streak in her.but could she be vindictive? is she one of those people that keep things inside and implode?i am still scratching my head over her outburst.i must admit that i was a bit taken aback and lost for words,not cowardly but you need to understand she is very laid back,reserved and calm,to see her loose her cool like that was albeit bizarre. unexpected. i honestly did not see it coming.....

pandoras box opens

I met her friends for the first time on Friday. it was nice. it was weird. it was weird and nice all at the same time. they are all successful beautiful lesbian women. warm and obviously protective of their friend. they know this is my first relationship with a woman and it was obvious they were skeptical of me,which is understandable. i could be going through a phase and be trying out their friend for size. so of course the initial part of the encounter was awkward as they grilled me, asking me questions about my work,where i went to school( i felt i was at a job interview,but i guess they wanted to be sure i was not trying to suck Miss B dry financially), my culture etc,
but as they noticed that i was of no harm or danger to her or them,they warmed up to me. scary experience. but totally worth it. dinner went well. i knew i had won them over..
when we got back to her place, i was taking my jewelry off and wiping off my eye makeup,while she was in the bathroom running the shower and brushing her hair, suddenly she walks in to the bedroom and faces the mirror i am looking into,so i can see her entire naked body just standing there.i keep my eyes on her and she retains eye contact with me.
"well luminous, what did you think of my friends?"
"oh! i thought they were spectacular! i especially loved Jackie and Laurie,what a beautiful couple,they were very nice,you are blessed to have such friends."
"i know. "
(silence)
i keep on doing what i was doing,then i notice she is still there just staring at me. i turn around.
"why are you looking at me that way?"
"when am i going to meet your friends?"
"uhmmm,soon."
"soon like when? next week? next month?next year?" when?"
"i dont know, when the time is right i will tell them. i just dont feel comfortable yet......"
"oh! i get it now, you are ashamed of me,thats what it is. scared of your secret lesbian fuck? you dont want the world to think you are a dyke? is that what it is?
"what are you going on about? its not even about that! why cant you understand that this isn't easy for me, i want them to meet you but i am scared!"
"then i will make your life easy for you then. please leave.now."
"just like that? just like that you want to end this over my friends?"
"look,i don't need some silly confused straight girl hiding me and keeping me a secret. you mean so much to me and i want to share everything with you, i want to hold your hand in public, but i can not because you wont let me. i have gotten to this point in my life and i do not want to be held back.dont you understand?"
"ok, i guess i will leave now then..."
"fine."
with that she went back into the steaming bathroom and slammed the door,while i packed up what i could and left. wondering if this is really the end or if it just our first fight.

brunch

at brunch on Saturday, miss beautiful suggested that we have dinner with her friends soon,she would make the reservations at the restaurant. to be honest i do not want to meet her friends,for many reasons,
i am afraid they would judge me
they will only see me as the straight girl that is confusing their friend.
how do i get out of this,i struggled to find excuses,but when i looked into her eyes i saw she really wanted it. urggggggggghhhhhh!why cant i say no?i guess i will go along with it. i just hope that she isn't trying to meet my friends as well,because that isn't going to happen.
all of a sudden my poached eggs looked revolting and my appetite disappeared.

bang bang

i was standing on the balcony at a very pretentious party with a lot of pretentious people, you had been looking at me all night like you could see through my clingy flesh colored dress, the look in your eyes read pure lust. i knew i had to have you, and your eyes said the same
"fuck your date, meet me outside" your eyes said.
i was out there thinking you wont show,and then you came behind me and i felt that heat coming through your black pants. i didn't look back but after feeling what i felt i knew i had to have you...and soon, we walked outside like it was so natural for us to walk together. when we got behind the cherry blossoms you turned me around and planted kisses all over my face, and then you found my lips and latched on and kissed me deep,hard,rough and painful almost a promise of the way you were going to do my body.
you lifted my dress up gruffly and your rough hands stroked my thighs and pushed my soaking wet panties to one side slid your fingers into my wet pussy, it felt so good,i begged you to fuck me. you didn't hesitate and i didn't give you room to hesitate, i already started unbuckling your belt, next thing you had shoved your hot throbbing dick into my waiting pussy which sucked you in like a vacuum, i felt so much pleasure and intensity from being fucked hard and deep standing up, i felt it deep in my stomach. the thickness of your cock rubbed against my dripping pussy walls.
i moaned and yelped as you worked that dick deep into the upper echelons of my pussy you stifled my screams with your hands, i was getting too loud, just as i was about to orgasm i felt myself being shaken, i opened my eyes to see Miss B looking worried. "are you alright baby? you were screaming? its alright baby it was just a bad dream" kissed my forehead pulled me close to her and spooned me